a midget ninja aka MINJA

Look, it's a phobia, alright? It's not like I'm being racist -- midgets aren't a race! And I'm not prejudiced -- I don't think that we're inherently BETTER than midgets, I'm just SHIT FUCKING SCARED of them! I was attacked by them scared the SHIT out of me. It's just that they're so small and stuff, and I'm pretty sure that they're kind of hateful (I mean, seriously, wouldn't YOU be, if you were a midget?), and my REAL fear is that I won't see one coming and he'll pull a shiv and stick me and steal my money. Yes, I FEAR MIDGETS! 

Now look, before I get flamed by the Midget Anti-Defamation League or the Friends of Dwarfs Society (and yes, I do realize that there's a difference between the two), I have to say that this is a LEGITIMATE MENTAL CONDITION. It's called (believe it or not) Lollypopguildophobia, or, more scientifically, Achondroplasiaphobia. Yes, I have achondrowhateverthefuckophobia.

Fucking midgets.

But hey, according to phobia-fear-release.com, a super-highly-advanced-ultimate-scientific website: "Midgets are dwarf people who have a sort of deformed stature and they look unusual and at times even frightening. Thus, when they stand before you, they make you feel awkward and at times uncomfortable – this is what this phobia all about is.

Symptoms:

Lollypopguildophobia/Achondroplasiaphobia is accompanied by several symptoms such as dizziness, nausea, feeling of sickness, vigorous palpitation of the heart, a fear that you may become mad or lose control, a sort of inability to utter words or think clearly. Other symptoms are occasional shaking, mouth becoming dry, lack of breath, a full blown anxiety attack and extreme perspiration.

Do not ever think that you are the only one having this phobia. Over 200,000 Americans suffer from this condition. There are lots of unspoken sufferers who know that they are afraid of the dwarfs but they do not want to confess their "condition"

So there you go. The word of SCIENTISTS. EXPERTS. And I agree with all the faulty findings and terrible grammar, except that I here confess my condition, because I no longer want to be a silent sufferer. I am tired of my extreme perspiration and fear that I might become mad when I think of midgets! Oh thank god, I feel so much better.

Thanks for listening.

the big mother f*cker welfare rant.

This one is going to be a doozy, so please read the entire post before writing me a 10 page comment about your life story and how much of an asshole I am. If you still wish to write me a 10 page comment on how society forced you to get knocked up while on welfare, then I’ll give you a story how society FORCED ME to use rough 2-ply toilet paper to wipe my ass instead of the good soft stuff.

Oh, and for the record, “welfare” here means full blown don’t-have-to-work-all-inclusive aid. I’m not going to pick apart food-stamps but not free-housing or check, etc. I say government ticket, I mean the entire government ticket.

This is how I see the welfare system working:

Girl “falls in love” at the ripe age of 16, and through the magic of laziness, hormones, stupidity, and complete irresponsibility allows herself to get pregnant by some loser. The loser, taking parenting advice from rap stars and TV idols, leaves that bitch and moves on (“hey, don’t hate the playa, hate the game”). The mother, now single and with child, goes on the system to get assistance until she can finish school and get a job. At which point she gets off of the system and pulls herself up by her bootstraps and becomes a model mother and a productive member of society.

That above I have no problem paying for. Hell, believe it or not, that’s what the system was intended for! However this is what mostly will happen:

Girl above, when her child is 2 years old, finds another douchebag reject and through the magic of not-fucking-learning-the-first-time gets pregnant AGAIN. Repeat about 4 more times. Kids run out of control and tear my shelves apart, and she bitches at me because the Septra suspension for kid #5 is grape flavored and not cherry.

Let it be known herein and throughout the tubes of the Internet. If you are already on welfare, and you get pregnant again (ie: you already are established on the system and you spread your legs and accept seed again), you are the most irresponsible, stupid, waste of human skin on the planet. You are nothing more than a receptacle for some dude to keep his sausage warm and serve no use to us other than to leech away our money like a tick on the ass-end of society. Go and make porn flicks because your only mental and physical skill in life involves your mouth and between your legs.

It blows my mind how absolutely stupid someone can be to be on welfare (you know, implied that you cannot take care of yourself so the state has to take care of you) and bring another child into this world. Getting pregnant once is a freebie in my book, shit happens (though barely now that Plan-B is OTC). The second time however is 100% you’re-a-fucking-moron. The third one on is what-the-fuck-were-you-thinking (oh, you werent). Birth control is FREE! It just takes a bit of effort (ie: getting off of your ass) to get! Have they gotten the memo that welfare is not intended for living off of for your entire life? Did it ever occur to them that if the welfare system suddenly says “Uh, no more money for checks, so sorry!” they are completely and utterly fucked? Ugh, so retarded and so stupid.

Lets compare 2 irresponsible acts:
Spending your check on spinning rims instead of job-interview clothes: IRRESPONSIBLE
Bringing another human-being into this world when you are 100% reliant on the state to wipe your ass currently: REALLY-FUCKING-IRRESPONSIBLE

Usually if you cannot afford something; car, boat, whatever; it gets repo’d. YOU CANNOT DO THAT WITH A CHILD! Pregnancy isn’t some magical unknown event that just “happens”. Its as preventable as avoiding getting your car stolen by LOCKING IT, or avoiding wrecking your car by NOT RUNNING INTO WALLS. Which means that the only way these career welfare mothers are getting pregnant is out of sheer laziness and stupidity. Surprise surprise! Close your legs until you can afford to open them!

My solution, and one offered by other readers on here, is every 3 months, when you get your welfare paperwork reevaluated, you get a shot of Depot Provera. I don’t give a rats ass about side-effects, these people are already on the downward slide, so we’re doing damage control now. You want your check, you get your depot shot. You don’t want your birth control shot? Then I guess you get no check! The state pays for your life, the state gets to make the rules. In “real life” if my boss asks me to clean the toilets, then I clean the toilets. Know why? Because my job pays for my life, so my job gets to make the rules. I realize that the “job” part is a foreign concept, but just trust me on this one.

I know I’m going to get at least one comment by some idiot saying that “reproduction is a right”. Well, to them I say “Leave your gated community in your $60k SUV once in a while and open your fucking eyes. If they have a right to reproduce like fucking rabbits, then I have a right to not pay a fucking dime towards the product of their irresponsibility.” Seriously! Fuck and reproduce all you want, but don’t come to Uncle Sam asking for a double fist of government cheese.

So, I challenge you all to give me ONE DECENT point that refutes my belief that the woman who is on welfare and gets pregnant yet again is the most irresponsible person on the planet.