a midget ninja aka MINJA

Look, it's a phobia, alright? It's not like I'm being racist -- midgets aren't a race! And I'm not prejudiced -- I don't think that we're inherently BETTER than midgets, I'm just SHIT FUCKING SCARED of them! I was attacked by them scared the SHIT out of me. It's just that they're so small and stuff, and I'm pretty sure that they're kind of hateful (I mean, seriously, wouldn't YOU be, if you were a midget?), and my REAL fear is that I won't see one coming and he'll pull a shiv and stick me and steal my money. Yes, I FEAR MIDGETS! 

Now look, before I get flamed by the Midget Anti-Defamation League or the Friends of Dwarfs Society (and yes, I do realize that there's a difference between the two), I have to say that this is a LEGITIMATE MENTAL CONDITION. It's called (believe it or not) Lollypopguildophobia, or, more scientifically, Achondroplasiaphobia. Yes, I have achondrowhateverthefuckophobia.

Fucking midgets.

But hey, according to phobia-fear-release.com, a super-highly-advanced-ultimate-scientific website: "Midgets are dwarf people who have a sort of deformed stature and they look unusual and at times even frightening. Thus, when they stand before you, they make you feel awkward and at times uncomfortable – this is what this phobia all about is.

Symptoms:

Lollypopguildophobia/Achondroplasiaphobia is accompanied by several symptoms such as dizziness, nausea, feeling of sickness, vigorous palpitation of the heart, a fear that you may become mad or lose control, a sort of inability to utter words or think clearly. Other symptoms are occasional shaking, mouth becoming dry, lack of breath, a full blown anxiety attack and extreme perspiration.

Do not ever think that you are the only one having this phobia. Over 200,000 Americans suffer from this condition. There are lots of unspoken sufferers who know that they are afraid of the dwarfs but they do not want to confess their "condition"

So there you go. The word of SCIENTISTS. EXPERTS. And I agree with all the faulty findings and terrible grammar, except that I here confess my condition, because I no longer want to be a silent sufferer. I am tired of my extreme perspiration and fear that I might become mad when I think of midgets! Oh thank god, I feel so much better.

Thanks for listening.