TVgasm !

Hoooly shit, the one and only episode of Toddlers & Tiaras that I saw a few months ago had so much to make fun of I actually needed migraine pills when I was done watching because the jokes came just that fast Thatswhatshesaid! Where to begin?

Well, we’re mostly in Georgia and folks, I weep for the future AND the present. You think Candy-Ass butchered the English language, THESE PEOPLE all needed captioning at one time or another (and I actually had to turn mine on because I couldn’t understand what half these toothless, blubbery hilljacks were saying to the camera.

But the best part of the show is Alana and her crazy-ass extreme couponing mother June. We meet them as they are throwing tons of paper towels and toilet-paper at each other, mostly because the quantity they have in their kitchen is smothering them. June says she extreme coupons to save money for pageants – hey, more power to ya. When you walk out of a store with $300 worth of stuff for twenty seven cents, that’s actually amazing. Of course, will you need 500 pounds of cumin? I’m not so sure.

If you love white trash like me, then I'm assuming that right now you're wearing a yellow t-shirt that used to be white and stained sweat shorts, and you just finished flossing your teeth with a toe nail that you chewed off with your own mouth. If this is the case, you're gross and I'm gross. Also, if this is the case, then watching TLC's Here Comes Honey Boo Boo will make you feel like a sophisticated, refined and pristine royal dignitary. This trailer even makes the Cyruses look like the Middletons! This mess is The Wild & Wonderful Whites of West Virginia meets every episode of Maury meets the Gummi Bears meets the end of civilization.

Honey Boo Boo Chile introduces us to her 12-year-old sister Pumpkin, her 17-year-old knocked up sister Chickadee, her 15-year-old sister Chubbs, her 32-year-old mama and her 40-year-old daddy Sugar Bear. I would let out a bald eagle tear over Mama June being a grandma at 32, but I'm too mesmerized at the fact that her layers of saggy chins are only a few inches away from becoming one with her fupa.

Even with the subtitles, I don't know wtf they're saying. But I may piss myself tonight.