Santa's Demon

Now available, from Extortion Merchandise Inc… Elf on the Shelf! This is the latest horrifying commercialization of Christmas -- a product you have to buy for your child or suffer the consequences, because all their friends have one. And if all your child’s friends DO have one, you will look like a big fat asshole for depriving your child of the opportunity to have a creepy stalker on-premises to spy on your child and report their every move back to the big boss at the North Pole. Don’t know how to parent? Can’t possibly control your kids without a miniature Chucky doll to keep them in line? Elf on the Shelf!

What kind of asshole merchandises such an awful product? A FUCKING MILLIONAIRE, that’s what kind. In my town, this dumbass product has spread like mouth herpes at a frat house party. In case you aren’t lucky enough to have been subject to this merry extortion, let me explain.

According to their website, Elf on the Shelf is “A Christmas Tradition is the very special tool that helps Santa know who to put on the Naughty and Nice list.” Firstly, nice fucking grammar, idiots. Secondly, the truth is, Elf on the Shelf is a hideously ugly little gremlin fucker that comes with a self-serving, spooky-ass story book. The book explains that the elf is your own personal stalker, who spies on your every move all day and flies to the North Pole to narc on you to Santa at night. When he returns and breaks into your house every morning, he is always in a different place. Is it just me or does that not sound like the plot of every homicidal doll movie? You turn around and the Chucky doll or ventriloquist dummy or carnivorous clown is leering at you from a new location in your house.

Creepy, right? I already own a Furby, which is spooky as shit, can’t I just have him stand guard on my son’s room and terrify him into behaving? Or wouldn’t a canine shock collar be more immediate? Or I could just try PARENTING, hmmmm... that's just crazy enough to work.

Here’s the funny part. At some point, all your kids friends will have them, they cost $30 each, but the kids think all they have to do is “make three wishes” and they get one. They don’t even know it’s a product for sale in stores at a bullshit price. What happens when your little angel sees this pricey mutant freak "on the shelf" at Target?? Hmmmm????

Between Santa and the Tooth Fairy, I feel like I tell my child enough bald-face lies throughout the year. You have to move the little assload around EVERY NIGHT or your children will think the elf and Santa FORGOT ABOUT HIM/HER because they are AWFUL CHILDREN. Glad you don’t have enough to do, parents.

Since the creator of this bullshit product is probably swimming in a drifting pool of finely powdered cocaine every night, he/she might want to think about how to continue to support the lifestyle they have undoubtedly become accustomed to. In the spirit of the chia pet, in which the creators “spun off” several different versions of the same lame piece of crap.

So, thanks to the pansy-ass parents in my life who wouldn't resist the trend, I had to sit my four-year old down today and explain to him that I wasn't going to allow the three wishes of doom, that having a stalker elf in the house was "Way creepy and gross" and furthermore, "That sounds like something only for really awful, naughty kids and you're a GOOD kid, you don't want some stalker elf spying on YOU, you're already getting great presents."