get your sh*t together.

1. Stop smoking, drinking, and using drugs.

Hell, I probably solved 90% of the world's problems right there. Give up these three habits, and you will be first class among People Who Have Their Shit Together. It will amaze you how much better you feel, how much money you have, and how much better your life will go if you give up booze, cigarettes, and the crack pipe. Some will say "moderation in all things," but I've never seen those people exercise any moderation when they say that. It is just a cop-out to keep doing what they are doing.

2. Get a job.

This advice alone probably solved about 6% of the rest of the problems in this country. Having a job means an income, a place to stay, social involvement, daily exercise, etc. People will claim that times are hard, but this is bullshit. There is always a job because there is always work to be done. When people say they can't find a job, what they really mean is they still have three months of unemployment left to collect, or they don't want to take some "menial" job that involves serving food or cutting grass. I'd be more ashamed of being a bum than being a burger flipper or a landscaper. Quit your excuse making and get a fucking job.

3. Spend less than you earn.

Cut up those credit cards and quit eating out. Pay off your debts. Open a savings account and put money in it. Simple math. Put away $100 a week, and you will have $5200 saved in a year. This will fully fund your IRA for the year and give you a big chunk left over. Bank your tax refund as well, and your money problems are over.

4. Eat healthy and exercise.

This is the one most people can't get straight in their lives. This is because we are programmed by biology to amass calories and conserve energy. Nature works. The answer is to stop eating high fat and high sugar foods. Eating healthy will not leave you hungry. Fad diets will. Just skip McDonald's and go to Subway. Have fruit instead of ice cream and cheesecake. As for exercise, walk for an hour per day. Last time I checked, this was free. The pounds will just drop off. You will have more energy. You don't need to eat like an Ethiopian or complete an Ironman to be healthy and in shape. Marginal changes in this area will produce massive results.

5. Dispose, clean, and organize.

Got a closet full of shit? Empty it. Desk full of clutter? Get a Hefty bag and throw that shit away. Storage rental full of shit you can't throw away? Rent a truck and haul it off to the dump. If you don't need it, then you don't need it.

6. Dump your piece of shit significant other.

Even if you get your shit together, other people in your life will cause you grief, and this is usually the person you share a bed with. Drug abuse can break up a relationship as well as money problems. Even becoming a runner can do this. If you have your shit together, you can't be with a person who doesn't have their shit together. It doesn't work. The disharmony will cause the whole thing to fly to pieces, and I can tell you from personal experience that you can't get someone else's shit together for them. They can tear your shit apart and almost certainly will if you stay with them. Get rid of them. Having your shit together and being alone is better than living in the shit with a fuck up.

That's it, folks. Five pieces of solid time tested advice. It is all very uncomplicated and basic. Your life won't be perfect because shit happens. But no one will ever say that it was your own damn fault, and that means a whole lot.

As for me, I'm still working on #1 of getting my shit together.

Santa's Demon

Now available, from Extortion Merchandise Inc… Elf on the Shelf! This is the latest horrifying commercialization of Christmas -- a product you have to buy for your child or suffer the consequences, because all their friends have one. And if all your child’s friends DO have one, you will look like a big fat asshole for depriving your child of the opportunity to have a creepy stalker on-premises to spy on your child and report their every move back to the big boss at the North Pole. Don’t know how to parent? Can’t possibly control your kids without a miniature Chucky doll to keep them in line? Elf on the Shelf!

What kind of asshole merchandises such an awful product? A FUCKING MILLIONAIRE, that’s what kind. In my town, this dumbass product has spread like mouth herpes at a frat house party. In case you aren’t lucky enough to have been subject to this merry extortion, let me explain.

According to their website, Elf on the Shelf is “A Christmas Tradition is the very special tool that helps Santa know who to put on the Naughty and Nice list.” Firstly, nice fucking grammar, idiots. Secondly, the truth is, Elf on the Shelf is a hideously ugly little gremlin fucker that comes with a self-serving, spooky-ass story book. The book explains that the elf is your own personal stalker, who spies on your every move all day and flies to the North Pole to narc on you to Santa at night. When he returns and breaks into your house every morning, he is always in a different place. Is it just me or does that not sound like the plot of every homicidal doll movie? You turn around and the Chucky doll or ventriloquist dummy or carnivorous clown is leering at you from a new location in your house.

Creepy, right? I already own a Furby, which is spooky as shit, can’t I just have him stand guard on my son’s room and terrify him into behaving? Or wouldn’t a canine shock collar be more immediate? Or I could just try PARENTING, hmmmm... that's just crazy enough to work.

Here’s the funny part. At some point, all your kids friends will have them, they cost $30 each, but the kids think all they have to do is “make three wishes” and they get one. They don’t even know it’s a product for sale in stores at a bullshit price. What happens when your little angel sees this pricey mutant freak "on the shelf" at Target?? Hmmmm????

Between Santa and the Tooth Fairy, I feel like I tell my child enough bald-face lies throughout the year. You have to move the little assload around EVERY NIGHT or your children will think the elf and Santa FORGOT ABOUT HIM/HER because they are AWFUL CHILDREN. Glad you don’t have enough to do, parents.

Since the creator of this bullshit product is probably swimming in a drifting pool of finely powdered cocaine every night, he/she might want to think about how to continue to support the lifestyle they have undoubtedly become accustomed to. In the spirit of the chia pet, in which the creators “spun off” several different versions of the same lame piece of crap.

So, thanks to the pansy-ass parents in my life who wouldn't resist the trend, I had to sit my four-year old down today and explain to him that I wasn't going to allow the three wishes of doom, that having a stalker elf in the house was "Way creepy and gross" and furthermore, "That sounds like something only for really awful, naughty kids and you're a GOOD kid, you don't want some stalker elf spying on YOU, you're already getting great presents."

TVgasm !

Hoooly shit, the one and only episode of Toddlers & Tiaras that I saw a few months ago had so much to make fun of I actually needed migraine pills when I was done watching because the jokes came just that fast Thatswhatshesaid! Where to begin?

Well, we’re mostly in Georgia and folks, I weep for the future AND the present. You think Candy-Ass butchered the English language, THESE PEOPLE all needed captioning at one time or another (and I actually had to turn mine on because I couldn’t understand what half these toothless, blubbery hilljacks were saying to the camera.

But the best part of the show is Alana and her crazy-ass extreme couponing mother June. We meet them as they are throwing tons of paper towels and toilet-paper at each other, mostly because the quantity they have in their kitchen is smothering them. June says she extreme coupons to save money for pageants – hey, more power to ya. When you walk out of a store with $300 worth of stuff for twenty seven cents, that’s actually amazing. Of course, will you need 500 pounds of cumin? I’m not so sure.

If you love white trash like me, then I'm assuming that right now you're wearing a yellow t-shirt that used to be white and stained sweat shorts, and you just finished flossing your teeth with a toe nail that you chewed off with your own mouth. If this is the case, you're gross and I'm gross. Also, if this is the case, then watching TLC's Here Comes Honey Boo Boo will make you feel like a sophisticated, refined and pristine royal dignitary. This trailer even makes the Cyruses look like the Middletons! This mess is The Wild & Wonderful Whites of West Virginia meets every episode of Maury meets the Gummi Bears meets the end of civilization.

Honey Boo Boo Chile introduces us to her 12-year-old sister Pumpkin, her 17-year-old knocked up sister Chickadee, her 15-year-old sister Chubbs, her 32-year-old mama and her 40-year-old daddy Sugar Bear. I would let out a bald eagle tear over Mama June being a grandma at 32, but I'm too mesmerized at the fact that her layers of saggy chins are only a few inches away from becoming one with her fupa.

Even with the subtitles, I don't know wtf they're saying. But I may piss myself tonight.

maybelline baby lips: yuck.

After weeks of searching I found a store that had the Maybelline Baby Lips flavor I wanted. I didn't want any of the tinted balms because I like my lip balms clear. I have lip gloss to add color. The two plain flavors were Peppermint and Quenched. I wanted to find Quenched and trust me, I looked everywhere for it. Finally, I bought the last one at the Target on Route 22 in Union. I was so excited I ripped off the wrapping and immediately tried it out. If anyone has tried Nivea lip balm, I can compare it to that initially. Not as thick, has a greasier feel. Not greasy bad, just when I think of lip balm, I want it to stay. Greasier balms tend to wipe off and in this case that's just what happened. I loved the smell, taste, etc. but after a couple days of using this product I noticed a few things. One, I had to reapply A LOT. If I chewed gum, it was gone. If I had a snack, it was gone. So that was a little annoying, but then I noticed something worse. MY LIPS. In the warmer months, I barely use lip balm, but I always keep in on me. My lips were becoming as chapped as if it were the middle of winter. It was like the more applied the stuff, the worse my lips actually got. And what's really irritating is that this is supposed to be an 8 hour product. Try 8 minutes. Needless to say I know that a lot of people are raving about this product, but I will not be one of them. I'm going back to my Burt's Bees balm so I can repair the damage this has done. It's such a shame, I get so upset when a product isn't what it says it's going to be.

PUNCH BULLY: just another COVER band ?

Made up of David Artiaga - Lead Vocals, Dave Cecconi - Guitar/Vocals, Josh Starner - Bass, Fausto Artiaga - Drums/Vocals, and Sami Eldebs - Guitar/Vocals Punch Bully is a dynamic cover band that has been rocking the NJ music since 2010. With their ability to deliver such high energy shows, a crazy set list, and their non-stop desire to make the next gig their greatest, it is no surprise Punch Bully has become one of NJ's most sought after cover bands. The word is spreading quickly that these guys will bring the party every single time they show up. The bars are always crowded and their following has continued to grow and prove this band is the real deal. Punch bully is a five piece band containing professional, talented musicians who love what they do. This is a great combination of musical talents who are extremely energetic and have played in all sorts of venues to all sorts of crowds.

I attribute their growing popularity by breaking away from the ordinary and using certain ‘X’ factors to separate them from others as a cover band. Their secret weapon is a vocalist/front man David Artiaga who is exceptional at reading crowds and playing to their strengths in order to lock them into the party and hold them until the last song ends. With their willingness to cater to all types of crowds and music; Punch Bully has created a completely outrageous set list which includes Rock, Dance, Rap, Pop, audience participation and yes, even some Oldies.

You just don’t see many bands go from rap to rock to oldies in a single set. These boys give it all they've got every time they hit the stage, and they only know one way to do it, FLAT OUT! The crowds are always crazy, and this band will keep you coming back again and again! Simply said, you can’t stand still!

Band Info:

Visit the bands web site at http://www.reverbnation.com/punchbully for the latest information, photos, and shows.

Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/PunchBully 

Twitter @punchbully